Kick In The Pants...

A shopper's woeful story.

I hardly think that I'm so weird shaped that the clothing industry would spite me. However, after spending to much time actually shopping and trying on pants, I'm convinced that the current pant styles were designed by the fashion devil.

E goes shopping.
I started out with high hopes since it seemed all my pants from the previous year were a bit loose (from all the rowing I've been doing). I actually had visions of the perfectly fit, cute, pinstriped pants that would look snappy with a cute sweater set. I can see myself in them--sipping a glass of wine in a French café. And wouldn't it be cool if I could actually find more than one pair and at a reasonable price?

First stop: Kohls
After all, I did find a bitch'in pair of dressy Capris there last year that fit me perfect. Surely, they would have a similar style in a long pant. WRONG! My J-Lo butt and smaller waist created the perfect gap for someone to toss some peanut shells down my backside if I actually sat down in them. "No biggie, just get a smaller size" .... WRONG again. The waist was still to big and my legs looked like two sausages stuffed inside. I thought "Maybe a little liposuction would make them look better". Anyone that knows me, knows that would be a totally against my "love yourself for who you are" attitude. Luckily, I came back from the dark side to remind myself that I could have several pairs of pants tailor made for a lot less.

Next Stop: Macy's
Ahhhhhh a department store with lots of different designers and brands of pants. This has to be the place. SOMEBODY must have designed a pair of pants just for me. I immediately went to the petite section a.k.a. "short person section" and lo and behold--cute, gray, and black pinstriped pants! God, I hope they fit... they were exactly like my pre-shopping vision. Just to be sure, I picked up several different styles and practically skipped to the dressing room. With 10 pairs of different pants, the sales lady was concerned that I didn't have tops to try on with them. I assured her that I was doing focused shopping. I would NOT be able to move onto tops until I found the perfect pants.

"How are you doing in there?" I heard after trying on 5 pairs and with the 6th pair half pulled on. "I'm not quite sure" I replied. This must have perplexed her as there was a long, long pause. "Is there another size I can get you?". Guess it was better that she didn't say ".... BIGGER size".

To make a way to long time in that dressing room short... NADA! Not one stinking pair of pinstriped pants regardless of size looked right. Had to be the bad lighting and the mirrors. Dejected, I carried out all 10 pairs and put them on the "These looked like crap on me" rack.


Last Stop: Talbot's
Talbot's is hit or miss with me. Sometimes they seem to carry way to many "old lady" clothes. Granted I'm heading to middle age in a month, but who says I have to start dressing like it. In Talbot's defense--sometimes they have some cute, nicely fitting stuff. Which they may have had.... if I had actually tried anything on. For some reason I couldn't see myself paying $128 dollars for one pair of pants. Besides, I'm sure my spouse would use it as ammo for the next 10 years. I can see it now "We could have retired by now if you hadn't bought those $128 pair of pants..." or "We had to refinance our house, just so you could buy the top to go with those pants". Those of you with spouses know exactly what I'm talking about.

I left Talbot's and in my mind I started to wonder if starving for a couple of weeks would do the trick. Better think that out. So I sat down to rest the hamstring I had pulled trying to get out of a pair of pants in Macy's. I people watched or I guess I should say I watched other women and took note of what their pants looked like. Then it dawned on me--they ALL looked like they stuffed sausages (with the exception of one chick who looked like she had been starving herself for more than a couple of weeks)!

So what's with the story fatty pants?
Did you say that or was that my "inner E"? Regardless, the pant shopping experience made me realize that one can't get down on oneself but one can "dis" the fashion designer devils who are trying to tell us that this crap actually looks good. Who the hell are they designing for anyway? Even J-Lo's Jeans look like *#@% on a J-Lo figured girl. What's up with that?

I've given up on my perfect pant thoughts for now. If I'm not thinking or looking, maybe the fashion fairy will appear and turn a full fashion circle to show me how great they look. Then with a wave of a wand make them appear at a store close by with a tiny price tag attached.

p.s. If your ass hasn't been chewed off and you've found a pair of pants to fit over it that looks good--I want to hear from you! If you're a size 2 or 0 and everything looks good on you then I BETTER NOT hear from you (Yeah, that means YOU--Audrey and Wanda. Your day will come. A designer with a big tush is gonna get even).